Fractal Dreams

If I hadn’t written today, in two days I would’ve been one year absent.

Heh. People might think I’ve completely abandoned this blog now. Strange that this week I’ve been waking up at 6 am for 4 days in a row. People who know me personally deem that feat as humanly impossible for someone like yours truly- since technically I’m not a morning person. Okay, at least not the 5 am to 12 pm type. I think I’m in 10pm to 4 am range…

So abruptly awakened, this day looms long and uncertain- not that I don’t have anything to do, since I still have to post a review for my No Point Articulation blog,  clean the goddamn MOLD that actually grew in my bookcase (thankfully it didn’t go that far in and ruined any books yet), and of course try to write a novel (Been at it again for a month or two now-  around 50 pages worth of incoherent rambling that supposed to be spread across two books- that’s progress considering that a few years ago back when I was in Junior high, I scrawled a crude comic book of the same story I’m writing now, and I still don’t have anything human readable).

Funny that weekends seem to be a precious commodity when you actually have work. I  judiciously try to divide the free time across my diversified interests instead of trying to relax… the thought of doing something productive (other than office work) constantly spurs me to do so…

Hah. Another post of random thoughts. Must be this fever I’m coming up with, and the fact that the first thing I did when I woke up is to fire up the dsl and started downloading anti-virus updates rather than having breakfast.

Here’s to a productive weekend…

Whoopsie!

I’ve been gone for a month. A lot of things happened so I wasn’t able to use the computer at home. First of all, I finally landed a job as a trainee in a company I cannot mention due to professional etiquette reasons. That kinda sucked out all of my time since I work from 9 to 6, and the killer traffic in the Philippines can suck the life out of anybody, so my brains too exhausted to write.

Another reason is that I’ve been preparing my action figure website for launch, but found working with HTML too time consuming given my limited free time. So I went the Blog approach and ported over one of the figure reviews I made here and updated it a little. If you’re interested, the site is at

nopointarticulation.wordpress.com

but since I just started it, it’s still empty. I hope to have it filled as the weeks pass.

Well, this is it for my little quickie post! Got to go!

Right from the start, I know I’m not the studious type.
I was reviewing PHP for my upcoming website project, and things were really getting droll.
It didn’t help that it was already 1:36 in the morning when I was reading my books.

So my mind was (sort of) working this way:

“A good dynamic website needs three components: a server, a database and a….”
“…Need Sleep.”
“So, when a client (in this case, the browser) requests from the server….”
“…Want Porn.”
“To implement a for loop, all I have to do is…”
“…Hungry.”
“To call a function…. ah, screw this.”

In short, my mind was wandering around and my eyes were shutting down very, very slowly.
I thought of ways to get me back in the groove of studying. I slapped the overly large and worn out headset to my ears and played
ELO’s Mr. Blue Sky in full blast. In seconds, I was completely awake. But I found myself singing out loud, in notes so high my vocal chords strained:

“…MisterBlueSky…PleaseTellUsWhy…YouHadToHideAwayForSoLong…
SOoooo..LONG!..WhereDidWeWrong?“

Which was sung with my head shaking wildly along to the beat, with my shoulders shifting from side to side, like I was dancing some weird voodoo
dance.

Then I remembered that I was wearing a HEADSET.

I hear a really good song, the rest of the whole sleeping world hears my voice, which sounded like I was kicked in the crotch. And I really can’t understand
what I’m reading because I’m constantly reminded of Hodges (CSI Las Vegas) and his freakingly lucky day. It’s a disturbing thought.

So scratch that from the list.

What’s the title? It’s “I’m Working! I’m Working!” in Russian. If you can read it, and it’s wrong, blame Babel Fish. They did it. If you’re asking why the title is in a foreign language I can’t even read, don’t ask. I don’t even know myself.

Gremlins in the PC or not, I still have tons of work to do. It’s not the “I have to do it” type of work, but rather the “It’s better than sitting around gathering lard in my butt” type.

First up, if I ever want to get a job position with the words “Web” upfront, I need to be proficient in web technologies. So for the most part, I’ll be hitting the books. I finally left college just to study again. Heh. But I’m not enrolling in any short courses or anything, just some self-study. I hope that effort amounts to something useful.

The next thing is that I’m porting over the action figure reviews from the blog into an archive somewhere else. Just to keep the mind sharp in maintaining a website. I haven’t touched my personal website in years, because, frankly there’s nothing much to write about, and that’s why I have this blog. At least with action figures, there’s plenty of materials to update and maintain. But of course, I’ll still post recent reviews here first, then port them over to the web archive. The “Songs for the Plastic Muse” section won’t be deleted.

And I wonder if I’m cut out for game development, not big-time, blockbuster games like Final Fantasy, of course, but the small, cottage-industry freeware ones. I know I have limits to what I can do. Square-Enix has server farms for cg renders, I have a old rusty pc with cobwebs in it. But I don’t think now is the time to do it, since I still have other stuff to do, and I don’t much skill to depend on yet.

But drawing a comic book, which I have been drafting for more than 10 years now, has to be done. I kept stopping during my work, since I believed that my drawing skills sucked. It’s true, but still, I can’t wait forever for my skills to improve, so whether my art looks like it’s been scrawled on paper or not, I must press on. I don’t want to be like Stephen Tennant in regards to novel Lascar. It’s the most infuriating thing to die without leaving a legacy. Which may vary depending on how you interpret the word Legacy. I leave it to you and your colorful imagination.

Just recently, my brother applied for DSL. And, yours truly, being the shameless freeloader, is now using the said line to surf. And boy, do things feel faster. I mean I’ve been using the rickety-old 56kbps line. While not much, 100mbps is a big change. I can now watch YouTube and visit NewGrounds.com!

Ah, progress! (Please don’t laugh and spoil my moment.)

Anyway, as for you those wondering why my blogging is as rare as good news lately, I’ve been busy hunting for a job. SERIOUSLY. It’s not as I’m kowtowing my brother’s PS2 and playing Suikoden V with a character guide in one hand, am I? …*cough*. Yes, I’m a real freeloader lately. So bite me. I’ve got a few calls here and there, and a few exams and interviews. But I’m definitely still in the “hunting” stage.

I’ve been meaning to review action figures again, but my brother lent out his digicam and I… you know, I’m starting to embarrass myself with this freeloading crap. Anyway. No figure reviews for now. Just when I completed the Iron Man triumvirate: Mark 1,2, and 3. Funny, since I skipped the movie but greedily gobbled the merchandise. Heh. Anyway, that’s what the DVDs are for…

Whew! How long has it been? Looks like I was gone for a month! By the time of my last article, I was preparing for my university retreat, which was supposed to last for just three days. But actually, my sabbatical lasted for three weeks.

Anyway, within that span of time, I’ve graduated from college, and now in that blissful state of unemployment. One of these days, the reality part will kick in, and I’ll realize I have no money. (Just wait for it…)

Let’s forget about money for a while (*gasp*), and chat about other stuff, like the aforementioned retreat. It was supposed to be a religious experience, I suppose, something to prepare us college people for the real world. Most of us, as I expected (I’ve been to more than one of these before), broke down into sobs. I didn’t though. Not that I didn’t feel for them, but I don’t like crying. Noooo, this is not that Macho image thing, since, one, I’m hardly macho with by big non-beer gut and two… hmm. Wait. There is no two. ANYWAY, I didn’t like the thought of getting emotional in front of others. That’s not just me.

But I was going to share a reflection, with a fun stab at the side. But I don’t think an emotionally charged crowd would react positively to a joke in the opening lines, given the situation. So, I was deciding whether or not to speak, but then, I ran out of time, so I didn’t. But since I’m here, I’ll share it anyway…

During one the retreat event, I fell asleep. Okay, maybe Half-Asleep. Given that it was early in the morning and I sleep like a log, my head was fluttering to the dreamworld every five seconds. The retreat master gave us time to “talk with God”, i.e., reflection time. So we were send away to a find our own niche in the retreat grounds, and thank God, the walking shook off most of the sleepiness.

Off I sat into one of the metal chairs, to get on with the reflection. After a freeform prayer (I was just talking normally, no canned Our Fathers, Hail Marys nor Glory Be’s) I just sat there waiting for some sign. It is kind of dumb when you think of it now, but when you’ve been talking about God and then going emotional for three days straight, it seems perfectly normal.

And of course, no response. No falling leaf, fluttering butterfly, flying dove, none of the things we usually associate with God answering us. Even a thundering voice from the clouds would’ve been nice. Things were perfectly normal. So I just gave a sigh, and relaxed my head, looking up to the sky. The clear blue sky. I said to my self, “The sky looks nice today.”

Okay, let’s stop. Don’t read on. Find a window, look up to the sky too. Even if it’s the night sky, just go look at the moon or something. Do it for a minute, maybe two, and return here.

You done? Good. Let’s carry on.

Then I realized. God was answering me every day. Everytime I fall asleep, I open my eyes again. When I close my eyes and reopen them, I see the sky all over again. I’m still alive.

So think about it. Does the fact that you’re still alive and reading my blog a good thing or not? I mean it is nice to be able to still live when many others have already gone. I always wonder whether that’s the reason when I fret about something, it gradually rubs off and then it’s not such a big deal anymore. That there’s something better yet out there. Something to see, something to live about. Or maybe life is a reason in itself.

So, I ask you, before I duck into hiding again. What have you learned when you opened your eyes?

Sorry for the melodrama last time, it shouldn’t have spilled over here. Now off to more bizarre tales… this one is sure to make PAWS members cringe.

You see, near the back of our house is a really huge wall made out of hollow blocks and cement, that’s been there for as far as I can remember. It’s there to separate our plot of land from the neighboring houses, as you may have well figured out. I don’t know who lives in the other side, and I have really no reason to find out.

One perfectly normal night, I was alarmed by huge thud on the roof, followed by a distinct meow. (I guess by now you’ve realized what the title really meant.) So off I peep out of the window near the wall, and what do I see? A cat hanging on for dear life on the wall using nothing more that its claws. Panicking, I rush to get the floor mop (a wooden one) and I poked the handle end out of the window, thinking that maybe the little critter can hop on the stick and I can pull it indoors. Stupid logic, I know, but I was out of ideas. But the poor little feline mistook my attempt of helping for another  attack, and out of options, it decided to let go.

….Oh, don’t cry. The story’s not over yet.

And so off the cat fell, plunging to its death… or so it thought. A meter later, it was met by soft roofing tin, breaking its fall (but not with another sickening thud.). It’s meowing a few seconds after it fell, so I assumed it was all right. I tried looking for it but can’t find it, despite its incessant meowing. The next morning, I found it on the ground, roaming around aimlessly. Since we can’t keep cats anymore (we used to have a lot, now only Poopy’s left), I just gave it some breakfast, and let it loose outside our home. I figured it was tough enough to survive a fall, navigating a street shouldn’t be such a problem, since our neighborhood has plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.

But it wasn’t over. That same night as the first cat grenade was thrown, another fell from the other side of the wall, this time landing on the roof of the house beside us. It was a kitten this time, and unlike the first one, there was no one story roof to break its fall should it try to jump to the ground. Again I tried the floor mop thing, but of course, it ran away. The next day, it was gone. I wonder to this day how it got off from two stories high.

And days turn into months, and months gave way to a new year…

And yet another thud. From the extreme opposite side from our Cat Grenade 2’s landing spot. Again, I couldn’t reach the poor critter, since I had to walk our generations-old roof to reach it, and I’m not exactly what you can call “lightweight”. Fortunately, it was close to the neighbors, who might have helped the critter get down. From what I have heard, the little thing’s been adopted, it now sports a pretty ribbon on its neck.

If the guy from the other side starts chucking puppies too, the idiom “It’s raining cats and dogs” is gonna take on a whole new meaning. What a sick bastard, eh?

Early this morning, I went on to school, as usual, riding on the Light Rail. An empty train lurched towards the station, and as I knew from experience, it was never gonna accept passengers because it was probably on maintenance. But suddenly its doors were open, and I immediately hopped in.

It was empty and silent, and I felt odd, that things seemed different.

The nagging feeling continued as I went on to school, where the long winding pathway leading to the campus was nearly empty, with only a few students coming in, and a few students walking out. I check my watch. 9:05. I remember there was supposedly another rally somewhere. Maybe no classes?

But no, it wasn’t that way. Classes went on as usual, and the strange calm that morning was forgotten in the turbulence of school life. Hours pass until it was finally time to leave.

I arrive home to find the house empty, the door locked. My mother was gone, and the droning sounds of the AM radio I was used to hearing was disturbingly absent. Maybe she paid the bills, I thought. I remembered my brother’s credit cards were due sometime this month. I sit down to eat an afternoon snack.

The phone rang.

I ran to my room to answer it, the voice of my father greeting my ears. He was looking for mom. A curious thought crept up, I suppressed it while telling my father what I knew. Then he told me something, and suddenly everything was clear:

My uncle, my mother’s youngest brother, is dead.

He was found dead at his room, for causes unknown. It was during 9:20 in the morning, five minutes after I reached my first class.

It felt strange again, no sadness, no emotion. I did not cry, I felt detached. I was not shocked, never felt for the loss of my mother, my uncle’s wife and children. In its stead, I felt a small gaping hole in my chest, as if it was sucking everything in.

That was all I had to feel about death. An absolute emptiness. Was I wrong to feel this way?

I’ve been listening to the song Fly Me to the Moon.

You know: “…Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars…” Yeah, that one. I’m listening to the song version by Claire Littley, which was used as the ending song of the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, and it was featured in the album Cruel Angel’s Thesis. (Much like how Vandread featured the Louis Armstrong song “What a Wonderful World”. It actually sounds nice to hear them within the anime.)

I really like listening to it. It exudes a light-hearted and playful feel, and it’s relaxing to the ears, but not to the point that it’s sleep-inducing.

Although I want to listen to the Frank Sinatra version, like in the last few minutes of Clint Eastwood’s Space Cowboys. It’s the one version most people remember anyway. Although the first one that popularized the song (not necessarily recorded) was Felicia Sanders. And it was first written in 1954 by Bart Howard, originally titled in “In Other Words”. Frank Sinatra recorded his version ten years later, in 1964.

I wonder which Sinatra album holds this song…?