Fractal Dreams

Anyway, for non-Filipinos, here’s a little background info: Sisig is a meal made out of chopped pig’s head, usually garnished with onions, eggs and chili peppers. It’s usually called “Sizzling” Sisig because it’s served hot on a metal sizzling plate. It’s usually eaten with Kalamansi (Phil. Lemon) and yes, it’s really fatty, and I don’t think eating it everyday is a good idea, unless you want to succumb to heart attack.

Okay, now that you’re up to speed on what sisig is, on to the story. I sometimes eat them for lunch at school, because Sisig is available almost anywhere outside campus.Yesterday, I tried eating a plate again, this time at a hamburger stall inside the school canteen. So I order, and I watched as they prepare my lunch.

So the lady (the one cooking my meal) takes a measured amount of the meat, then chopped onions, and then pepper, then puts it in a small plastic container. Then to my horror, she squeezes mayonnaise onto the mix (I later find out that some sisig varieties do use mayonnaise as condiments) then dumps the container into the microwave. WHAT? Imagine my surprise when I expected that maybe they’ll fry it at the huge freaking grill that’s standing right beside them, but no, they put in the microwave.

So a few seconds (and a finished “ding” from the microwave) later, I get some kind of concoction slapped into my plate. The taste? It’s hard to tell the taste of the meat, because the mayo mix and the onions stands out. Usually, on the regular fried variety I get elsewhere, I get it served with a raw egg on top, and I taste the oily meat, then feel a spicy tang as I bite down on chopped chili. So the experience was kind of surprising.

Will I eat there again? Hell, no. The mayo part tasted fine, but I don’t like the fact that the mayo was standing out there in room temperature (you know how fickle mayonnaise can be), and the fact they plopped it in the microwave. You mean they pre-cooked it? How old is that freaking meat anyway?

Let’s face it, I’m no cook. With all the weird recipes (see Lazy Man’s Pizza, stashed somewhere in the archives) and the fact that my cooking repertoire is limited to three words: Fry, Boil and Oven (Too bad it wasn’t as catchy as Shake n’ Bake.).

One of the stuff I fool around with is the electric waffle iron near our dining table. You’ve probably seen it, the thing that looks like some kind of press thingy, you put batter in it and out comes a nice, flat waffle minutes later. Of course, I again don’t use it properly, because I use it to toast sandwiches. Yep. Yes, I know there’s a similar appliance out there called a sandwich maker, but heck, the waffle maker’s here and it’s essentially the same thing, why waste money buying another one when this one can suffice?

And boy, does it stretch the meaning of suffice. Unlike a sandwich maker which makes toasted sandwiches with a neat diagonal slice in the middle, you get one that is pockmarked with a dozen or so squares, since I’m using a waffle griddle. And it’s thinner too.

However, while it looks like crap, the food still turns out great. What I like about it is you can toss some condiments in between the loaves and then stuff them in the waffle iron (I don’t close the iron shut, rather I just rest the top part of it over the sandwich and then let it stand.). For example, a thin slice of salami or ham, then some slices of cheese. The cheese melts nicely over the meat, and it’s delicious if you eat it while it’s still hot. (Watch out for the still melted cheese.) Since it is Christmas time again, the old Quezo de Bola (a cheese ball that’s popular here during the holidays) is out on the markets again. I really can’t confirm it my dad bought the regular Quezo de Bola or some other specialty cheese, but when I sliced a few ones onto my sandwich and ovened it, it melted with almost the same consistency as Mozzarella you see on pizzas (long threads of cheese and all), and the strong flavor of the cheese is still noticeable on the warm bread.

I also tested another type of cheese, but was disappointed this time. I think it’s Feta, but I forgot to read the labels before it was unwrapped, so I’m not sure. It’s white, full of holes and tastes a little sour when eaten cold, and it fared badly when subjected to that infernal press. I can barely taste it amongst the bread. Well, I’m not a gourmet, so I don’t know how to best eat such things.

I also made pseudo-garlic bread. The usual, butter as the base, then I topped it with garlic bread seasoning (the little McCormick bottle.) Typical garlic bread fare, but my preparation was inconsistent, resulting in an oily flavor (too much butter) or too salty (too much seasoning).

I don’t know what you guys think when someone rambles about food this long, and the food isn’t even worth mentioning. Blame it on my gastronomic excesses.

I forgot to add this to my earlier post, my mind basically drifted off, and I remembered this bit only when I saw a blog featuring recipes.

Well, during most of the week, one of my sources of sustenance is the Lazy Man’s Pizza. What in heaven’s name is the LMP, you ask? Actually, it’s going to so crude and tasteless that only the lazy guys can tolerate it. As I prepare one such meal, my mind raced, and I acted out like I was some kind of tv chef. Here’s a transcript:

1.) First of all, you get slices of white bread. If you don’t have any white bread, and are too lazy to buy one, scrounge up any bread product (or crackers) you can find, and it’ll have to do.
2.) Then you get some pre-made pizza sauce. After all, you don’t really want to work so hard, so get the pre-made stuff. If there is no such convenience available, you can settle for the next acceptable thing: ketchup. You can also slop spaghetti sauce on your bread, any thing will do, as long as it contains the red stuff (tomatoes). Oh, I don’t think tomato juice will work. But if in your case it does, then you’re a lazy genius.
3.)Then toppings. The basic topping is cheese. Now, there are lot of different ways you can get the cheese on your bread. If you still feel like moving, you can do it the hard way and grate the goddamn block of dairy over the bread. Or you could do what I do and just chop randomly at the cheese and hope that the resulting shreds fall on the right place. If you really, really, really don’t feel like using any utensils (they are so heavy after all) you can do it caveman style- use your bare hands!
4.)More toppings. This part is optional. If you still feel industrious, walk on over to your icebox and look for forgotten piles of cold cuts. But always remember to take a whiff! You don’t want rotten meat all over your pizza. After all, a lazy man is different from a dead man. Combine your laziness and creativity! There are lots of stuff that might still be in arms reach- any thing that you could put on top of bread and still be edible will make good toppings!
5.)Cooking. Assuming you have an oven of some sort (don’t use the toaster, how can you stuff slices of bread into small slots without the toppings falling off?) simply plonk down the bread into the awaiting pan, and turn the knob a little. If you don’t have an oven, you can improvise by getting a frying pan and throwing in the pizza while firing up the gas! (*NOT TESTED. YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY END UP BURNING DOWN YOUR HOUSE.*) And if there’s still nothing available, or you are too lazy to do it, screw the cooking part! It’s so underrated anyway.
6.)And finally, the part we all like- eating. I assume you guys didn’t wash your hands.

Moral of the story: Always sleep on time. So you wouldn’t embarrass yourself while slurring like an idiot in the kitchen like I did this morning .