Fractal Dreams

Whew! How long has it been? Looks like I was gone for a month! By the time of my last article, I was preparing for my university retreat, which was supposed to last for just three days. But actually, my sabbatical lasted for three weeks.

Anyway, within that span of time, I’ve graduated from college, and now in that blissful state of unemployment. One of these days, the reality part will kick in, and I’ll realize I have no money. (Just wait for it…)

Let’s forget about money for a while (*gasp*), and chat about other stuff, like the aforementioned retreat. It was supposed to be a religious experience, I suppose, something to prepare us college people for the real world. Most of us, as I expected (I’ve been to more than one of these before), broke down into sobs. I didn’t though. Not that I didn’t feel for them, but I don’t like crying. Noooo, this is not that Macho image thing, since, one, I’m hardly macho with by big non-beer gut and two… hmm. Wait. There is no two. ANYWAY, I didn’t like the thought of getting emotional in front of others. That’s not just me.

But I was going to share a reflection, with a fun stab at the side. But I don’t think an emotionally charged crowd would react positively to a joke in the opening lines, given the situation. So, I was deciding whether or not to speak, but then, I ran out of time, so I didn’t. But since I’m here, I’ll share it anyway…

During one the retreat event, I fell asleep. Okay, maybe Half-Asleep. Given that it was early in the morning and I sleep like a log, my head was fluttering to the dreamworld every five seconds. The retreat master gave us time to “talk with God”, i.e., reflection time. So we were send away to a find our own niche in the retreat grounds, and thank God, the walking shook off most of the sleepiness.

Off I sat into one of the metal chairs, to get on with the reflection. After a freeform prayer (I was just talking normally, no canned Our Fathers, Hail Marys nor Glory Be’s) I just sat there waiting for some sign. It is kind of dumb when you think of it now, but when you’ve been talking about God and then going emotional for three days straight, it seems perfectly normal.

And of course, no response. No falling leaf, fluttering butterfly, flying dove, none of the things we usually associate with God answering us. Even a thundering voice from the clouds would’ve been nice. Things were perfectly normal. So I just gave a sigh, and relaxed my head, looking up to the sky. The clear blue sky. I said to my self, “The sky looks nice today.”

Okay, let’s stop. Don’t read on. Find a window, look up to the sky too. Even if it’s the night sky, just go look at the moon or something. Do it for a minute, maybe two, and return here.

You done? Good. Let’s carry on.

Then I realized. God was answering me every day. Everytime I fall asleep, I open my eyes again. When I close my eyes and reopen them, I see the sky all over again. I’m still alive.

So think about it. Does the fact that you’re still alive and reading my blog a good thing or not? I mean it is nice to be able to still live when many others have already gone. I always wonder whether that’s the reason when I fret about something, it gradually rubs off and then it’s not such a big deal anymore. That there’s something better yet out there. Something to see, something to live about. Or maybe life is a reason in itself.

So, I ask you, before I duck into hiding again. What have you learned when you opened your eyes?